What You've Missed

I didn't realize how long it had been since I last updated my blog! I've dealt with so many lows and emotions this last year that I guess I didn't know where to start. When I last updated, I had just lost my son and dealing with my lack of enthusiasm for the holidays. Christmas turned out to be much worse....

I lost my mom.

My birthday was the last day she called my phone, and I didn't answer. I had plans to call her the day after, but I learned that time isn't always on your side. The next day she went into cardiac arrest and a week later we lost her on Christmas Eve. Talk about a horrible holiday and one I wanna hide from. Sometime in January I ended up in a sort of breakdown, and quickly realized I needed help as I was spiraling. Since then, I have come out of my fog and rejoined the world. I have gotten a job, and am now a contributing part of society. I still have some mental health stuff to work through, that I don't think will ever go away, but I'm making it, day by day. 

 We started our ttc journey back up after halting it after my mom died. It was hard because so many months passed and so much money spent, and still no baby. I wasn't really sure I wanted to be pregnant, but I knew I wanted to bring a baby home, my baby home. We took a month off to save up for an iui, and at the end of the month, we were pregnant! A natural pregnancy! It took us all by surprise. I ended up taking about 12 pregnancy tests before I was able to process it. I haven't been overly excited about it, though I am happy. I think I'm just waiting for that bad thing to happen, while hoping it doesn't. Right now I am 15wks pregnant. I've had a procedure to help ensure the pregnancy makes it. So far, everything has been good. Uneventful for the most part. I've been so busy with work and all my appts I haven't had time to worry about it, but I haven't had a desire to enjoy it either. I'm just... Pregnant.. Idk how to explain it, it's weird. But that is a very short version of my life since Halloween of 2018. Welcome to 2020!